Last night was the first episode of Season 147 or so of The Bachelor, in which we were re-introduced to Juan Pablo Galavis, a fun-loving, soccer-playing, Spanish-speaking, single dad. Juan Pablo was born in upstate New York, spent his formative years in Venezuela, and now resides in Miami, where, despite a plethora of beautiful, intelligent women who live there, he can't find a date.
We first met Juan Pablo during Desirée's season of The Bachelorette, where he stood out in the crowd because he didn't seem to give a crap. In the four seconds he was on-screen, he captured the hearts and loins of America, with his joie-de-vivre, devotion to his little daughter, and sexy Spanish accent. Being blonde and built like a Times Square billboard underwear model didn't hurt his case, either.
So now, Juan Pablo is El Bachelor, the lucky (or unlucky, depending on how you look at it) fellow who has the daunting task of choosing a potential lifemate from a bevy of attractive, accomplished, and yet amazingingly insecure women. All of the women have decided that entering a television contest to find a mate is a far superior method to either Match.com or being set up by their great-aunt's hairdresser. Plus, there is the added bonus of being on television, which, as we all know, is our God-given right as Americans.
Last night we were introduced to the 27 women, each resolute in her goal to win the heart of Juan Pablo and get as much TV exposure as humanly possible. We met them as they stepped out of a limo, most wearing a Bob Mackie for K-Mart design, with plunging necklines, sparkles, and more ass-cleavage than a plumbers convention.
For your convenience, I have grouped the contestants into three categories:
Most Likely to Fill the Role of Crazy Eyes in this Production of Orange is the New Bachelor:
- A woman who lists her occupation as "free spirit" which, in Bachelor-speak means "unemployed faux-hippie actress who hasn't worked since Jerry Garcia died." If this doesn't work out, I'm sure there is a medical marijuana dispensary somewhere that needs a receptionist, Moonflower Freedom or whatever your name is.
- A woman who lists her occupation as "Dog Lover", which loosely translates to "high-maintenance and needs a sugar daddy."
- A woman who got out of the limo wearing a fake pregnancy belly, upping the ante on last year's contestant who arrived dressed in a wedding gown.
- 6 interchangeable blonde teacher/pharmaceutical sales rep/interior designer/nurses that I won't be able to tell apart until about mid-season, after he thins the herd a little. Any one of them could be totally nuts or totally normal, but since no one can tell them apart at this point, only time will tell.
Early Contenders for Juan Pablo's Heart, or Possible Casting as the Next Bachelorette:
- A very elegant Chinese-Canadian opera singer who seems to have wandered in from The Voice auditions and doesn't seem to understand why Juan Pablo handed her the First Impression Rose. The audience was equally mystified by this.
- A single mom with a 7 year-old boy she is grooming for the NFL if this whole daddy thing doesn't work out. Unless I missed something when I switched over to the Auburn-Florida State BCS Championship game, she seemed pretty level-headed.
- An Assistant District Attorney who either needs a root job in the worst way or can't give up the "ombre" hair fad from last year. Pick a lane, girl. I am thinking of adopting this hair fad and calling it "grombre" for the half-gray, half whatever faded leftover colors that are currently taking up residence on my head. Aside from the hair, she seems to have some actual chemistry with El Bachelor, unless she finds out he has a rap sheet, then all bets are off.
- A handsy masseuse wearing a dress that was one nip-slip away from embarassment of Nancy Grace-like proportions.
- A woman who was jilted by her fiance right before the wedding, showed us her wedding dress numerous times and burst into tears any time a camera was nearby. I would prescribe a healthy dose of Grey Goose and Oreos and bingewatching the first two seasons of Scandal to ease her troubles. You're welcome for the money I saved you on therapy, lady.
- A redhead who thought her name was called, then had to slink back to the rose line-up to be re-humiliated when her name was never called. This was one of the biggest Rose Ceremony Disasters since that one woman walked out on Brad "Single Forever" Womack before the Rose Ceremony even began, which he should have taken as a sign.
Drinking Game (Thank @DearBadKitty for This):
It's best to watch this show with full bottle of something at your side. I recommend either a sparkling rosé or straight-up tequila, so you can play along:
- When you hear the words "Journey" "Adventure" or "Rose", DRINK
- When you see a bikini, hot tub, or Juan Pablo's abs, DRINK
- When someone mentions how much they miss their child/dog/significant other, DRINK
- DRINK twice if someone mentions a dead parent or ex, being left at the altar, or a tragic addiction to shoe shopping.
Make sure you have a designated driver if you are not watching at home, or at the very least stay through Castle to sober up. Never watch The Bachelor and drive, people.
If you want to follow along this season, watch Bachelor on Monday nights at 8:00 pm Pacific, follow me on Twitter (@glennia) and be sure to follow the #CleverJuan hashtag for my West Coast crew @KristySF, @DearBadKitty, @TippyToes, @joyunexpected, @wonderscott, and @editag, among others. Occasionally, members of the SpoilerNation known as Eastern Standard Time show up (looking at you, @lauriewrites). Truly, following along on Twitter is the best thing about this show.